During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
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