Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
