did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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