It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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