i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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