Non-Jews are for practice
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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