mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize