I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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