DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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