Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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