Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
