So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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