2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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