I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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