Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
