I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
