hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
