So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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