??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize