Where did you get a picture of my penis
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
