i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
