Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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