apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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