Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
