my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Randomize
