May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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