Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
