We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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