Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
