Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Randomize
