I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
