Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
