Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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