alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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