yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
