I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
