Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize