Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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