i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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