I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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