I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
