All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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