took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
