I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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