Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
