i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
