I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Holy shit dude........stairs
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
