Whoa Z and x make the same sound
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
