i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
