I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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