So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
