I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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