omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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