I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
