Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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